When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
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I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
Important reminders
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
honestly, i need both:
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
🤣😈🤣
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*