I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
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My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
Yes my dude
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
I think this should do it.
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
Put the is in disheveled
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.