This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
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Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
Inside you there are two wolves
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you