Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
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A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.