Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
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3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*