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WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
TEETH IS INNOCENT
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
🤣✨#caturday
cats when you pet them too long:
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G