My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
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MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best: