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Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
a god among men
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
My dad is at it again
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
Found my door mat
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog