high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
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I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
They’re on their honeymoon
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
Bringing home a sharpie
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers