word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
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My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO