my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
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There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]