This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
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How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
I’m having an out of money experience.
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”