My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
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There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
So many pants.
So little yoga.
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did