[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
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“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
Can Happiness buy money?
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.