i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
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No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
I like long walks away from everyone
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time