This is Damn delicious!πππ
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*being murdered*
Me: βAhh my student loans will finally be paid offπβ
Gov: π€stabbing ceases
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Whereβd my stick go?
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids wonβt touch them.
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you donβt trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* donβt be silly
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
Haunted house ideas:
-βwe need to talkβ room
-βyouβre being auditedβ room
-βmy period is lateβ room
-βtwo days before paydayβ room
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with βJust so I understandβ¦β
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
Itβs adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now itβs a brilliant idea theyβve never heard before.
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
My life is like a Disney movie in that Iβm grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.