Just as the prophecy foretold
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People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
A jiffy is 1/100th of a second. No one has ever been back in a jiffy.
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
Monday Lisa
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.