Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
You Might Also Like
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
seems fine
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
The worst outcome of the Kendrick Lamar/Drake beef would obviously be escalating physical violence but the second worst would be if this was all leading up to a Sprite commercial.
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
I know a bad idea when I see one.
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire