Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
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Couldn’t afford a man cave. Had to settle for a gazebro
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.