Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
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Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
Mood.. 😂
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
Wife: don’t forget the list
Me: I won’t
[later]
Me: [calling from the grocery store]
My wife: [answering the phone, holding the list] well, well, well…
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?