My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
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the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.