[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
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You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
When he asks for feet pics
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
my nickname in college
The 6 types of sex
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
Beware of the “party goblin”…
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!