How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
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Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.