My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
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Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
Cake!!
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
Adopted a “failed” police dog who was given up for rehoming. Always been a brilliant addition to the family. Loving, caring, protective. Started to wonder why the cops rejected him. Then we took him to the woods where he saw a squirrel, got scared & ran head-first into a tree.
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
sugar glider wrangler
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”