My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
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Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
Lucky old June.
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground