Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
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Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder