Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
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*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
i think my razor is having a panic attack
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
My dad is at it again
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
Produced a radio ad in the 1990s for a supermarket’s Pepsi promotion. It was the opening of the can and the pour, with v/o at the end. All very alluring and appetising. We used a can of Coke
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
I’ll be mad as hell!
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure