Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
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5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
I have so many questions.
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
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