“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
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What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer