Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
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Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
I think the bowl of ice cream I ate earlier gave me a stomach ache so I ate a another bowl to make sure.
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice