You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
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Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
calling in to work dehydrated
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
I love you to the refrigerator and back
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.