If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
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i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.