Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
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I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
11: dad do you know what 3+3+3+3 is?
Me: 12
11:
Me:
11: ok I was just making sure that you’re not –
Me: choose your next words wisely.
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.