When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
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Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
goldfish mafia
Follow me for more life hacks.
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
new career option?
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.