MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
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Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Mornin
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
“Hope you’re enjoying the sunshine!”
No, I’m at a desk reading your email.
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
bugs when you lift up a rock
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn