My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
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Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
Netflix and scream at our children?!
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
had to make it
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.