I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
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Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
Word!
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.