Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
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i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”