BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
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With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
TODAY
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
I have never heard an armadillo before.
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread