My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
You Might Also Like
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.