Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
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DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
Before & after 😅
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
Discuss
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
Intelligence is the new cleavage
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder