I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
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”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.