I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
You Might Also Like
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
New tinder profile pic
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”