An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
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I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
#catsoftwitter
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
Well, this explains it:
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.