“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
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*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
R.I.P.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.