Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
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If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)