I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
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Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
*puts words between two asterisks*
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir