“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
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“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.