*struts into the new year
~ trips
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*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
Probably my best painting.
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
Stop making fast and furious movies.
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
reminder
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
centipede: *walking by*
Ariel: whoa what’d you trade
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”