scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
You Might Also Like
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One